If awards were given out for the most outlandishly funny book titles, then Carlton Mellick the 3rd would be all time winner of the damn world. Not only has he penned The Haunted Vagina, but also such classics as The Menstruating Mall, Baby Jesus Butt Plug, and The Faggiest Vampire. Sounds wicked, no?
The premise of this master(piece of shit) is such: Steve has this girlfriend Stacy, whom he loves dearly. However, they seem to be suffering in the hot sexin' department because of the strange noises coming from Stacy's vagina, and they're not just vagina farts. Stacy claims her vagina is haunted, Steve realizes that his girlfriend is a fucktard and institutionalizes her. The End.
If only that was really the case.
No, one night while they are boning down a corpse climbs out of Stacy's woo-hoo. Naturally, the best thing to do in this situation is suit up and dive headfirst into that deep dank hole. So that's what Steve does. Once inside he meets a strange "girl" named Fig, who looks likes she's made of plastic ( the Real Doll Company is doing well, so this must be a thing men like...), has no nipples and a pair of horns on her head. Steve being Steve decides that the most logical thing to do boink this nipple-less freak too. But sooner than later Steve starts to miss Stacy and wants to return to the world outside of a smelly old va-jay-jay. Fig, however, wants Steve to stay. What will happen next? Buy the damn book and find out!
Everything I've just written sounds like awesome fun times, doesn't it? The problem is that this book is so damn boring! There is nothing even remotely funny about it once you pass the title, I couldn't give less of a fuck about any of the main characters, and the "love story" seemed really forced and tacked on. It's almost like Mellick didn't know how to finish but wanted to get it over with as fast as possible. Did I mention it's only 100 mind-numbingly dull pages?
Maybe it's just me, maybe this isn't my type of humor..? No, it can't be. I'm too fucking awesome. This book sucks. I'll pass on reading any more of Mellick's works in the future. Except maybe The Faggiest Vampire...with a title like that its got to be good!
2 out of 5 fucks were given for this book.
Get your own vagina here!
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