And hopefully next by Stiefvater...
Forever
Maggie Stiefvater
Published July 12th, 2011 by Scholastic Press
388 Pages
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Forever (The Wolves of Mercy Falls #3)
Seriously? Did you even read my reviews for the first two? Did you actually think I would read this one? Gaa...you're dumber than you look. And we're online muthafuckas!
And hopefully next by Stiefvater...
I like that they look like French Bulldogs. Also, apparently there is a 4th in the series (Sinner), but there ain't no way I'm reading it.
Forever
Maggie Stiefvater
Published July 12th, 2011 by Scholastic Press
388 Pages
And hopefully next by Stiefvater...
Forever
Maggie Stiefvater
Published July 12th, 2011 by Scholastic Press
388 Pages
Friday, January 27, 2017
Morris Has a Cold
| Oh My Gawd, this Motherfuckin' Moose! He kills me! This was one of my favorites when I was a child, and I still think it's hilarious! Apparently, Morris and Boris have their own series of books, though this is the only one I've ever read. I can only imagine they are all as cunt-smackingly amazing as this one. Morris has a cold, his nose is walking. That's right, walking. It's only a little cold. Fucking GOLD! Poor Boris, he goes through a lot of crap trying to help Morris. Gets him a bed that's not a cat, carries a big ass cast iron stove thing, makes him soup and Morris eats the damn spoon. Lordy, he makes me laugh even more than Morris does. I also have a feeling he eats Morris just after the books ends... And in case you don't already know, Tea is a letter, like A, B, C, D... Get this book and read it when you have a cold. You will feel 100% better. And if you don't, at least you'll have an awesome book. 4 Fucks! Morris Has a Cold Bernard Wiseman Published November 1st, 1977 by Scholastic 48 Pages |
Thursday, January 26, 2017
Blind Hope: An Unwanted Dog and the Woman She Rescued
Are you a bible thumper who loves dogs? Then this book might just be for you! All others, steer clear of this pile of dog shit.
I LOVE dogs. Love the fuckers. I had eight in my home at one point. Eight of my own...then two fosters. I'm not talking about the little yappy dicks either, I had a Saint Bernard, a Rottweiler, Newfoundland...So you could say I am partial to a good dog story. Make it a story about a rescue dog, even better. Make it a story about a special needs rescue dog, break out the kleenex. So why was this book so bad?
Because the dog was barely featured in the damn thing! This book is basically the author having a (stilted, boring, contrived) conversation with Laurie, the owner of Mia. The dog is not named Hope, which I would have expected based on the title, which proves that the authors are assholes. 100%. It is all about poor, broken Laurie discovering her spirituality. I read this because I wanted the story of the dog and a little wee bit about her person. Got it the other way around. No thanks,
P.S.-Laurie, there is a picture of you in this book. How can you criticize your dog for being "ugly"?
P.S.S.- I currently have 3 dogs, 2 Beagle mixes and a shitty, yappy, inherited Pomeranian.
Blind Hope: An Unwanted Dog and the Woman She Rescued
Kim Meeder, Laurie Sacher
Published July 20th, 2010 by Multnomah
208 Pages
Monday, January 23, 2017
The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner: An Eclipse Novella
First of all, yes I have read the other Twilight books. Maybe I will one day take the time to review them for your reading "pleasure", and maybe I'll just say fuck it, and not waste my time.
Secondly, no the Twilight series isn't great, but it's not as horrifically, nightmarishly bad as they are made out to be.
When first hearing about this whole Twilight craze (and essentially how god-awful it was), I was expecting some really terrible fiction. In fact, I first learned about the series from a 13-year-old kid in a Team Edward shirt. I had no fucking idea what "Team Edward" was, and she went on to lispingly describe to story to me. I was not enthralled. I decided to give them a try anyway, after all, I remember when people my age were harping on about how stupid Harry Potter was. Could I be so lucky again? Could I find another awesome series that would capture all my love and attention for years to come?
No. No, it fucking didn't.
But it also wasn't what I was expecting, and I will admit I was pleasantly surprised at the fact it was only moderately god-awful. I did read the entire series. All four fucking books.
Then I read The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner.
Well now, this is what I was expecting from the Twilight series. An amazingly long story (especially considering it's only 170 odd pages) where nothing ever fucking happens! There is no action, and you can't possibly care about any of the characters! I was expecting to learn something about Bree that would have made her death later in the series (that we already have read of course) that much more important, but it turns out that she is just as much of a mindless drone newborn as all the rest of the coven that she endlessly complains about! Nothing, I felt nothing for this girl. Fuck her. Deigo and Fred, who the hell cares about them? Secret ninja BFFs? Rock kissing? Powers of repulsion?
Just avoid it, that's the best advice I can give. Or earn me some money and buy it:
The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner: An Eclipse Novella
Stephenie Meyer
Published June 5th, 2010, by Little Brown and Company
178 Pages
Secondly, no the Twilight series isn't great, but it's not as horrifically, nightmarishly bad as they are made out to be.
When first hearing about this whole Twilight craze (and essentially how god-awful it was), I was expecting some really terrible fiction. In fact, I first learned about the series from a 13-year-old kid in a Team Edward shirt. I had no fucking idea what "Team Edward" was, and she went on to lispingly describe to story to me. I was not enthralled. I decided to give them a try anyway, after all, I remember when people my age were harping on about how stupid Harry Potter was. Could I be so lucky again? Could I find another awesome series that would capture all my love and attention for years to come?
No. No, it fucking didn't.
But it also wasn't what I was expecting, and I will admit I was pleasantly surprised at the fact it was only moderately god-awful. I did read the entire series. All four fucking books.
Then I read The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner.
This is Bree. She's going to die soon. No one will care.
Well now, this is what I was expecting from the Twilight series. An amazingly long story (especially considering it's only 170 odd pages) where nothing ever fucking happens! There is no action, and you can't possibly care about any of the characters! I was expecting to learn something about Bree that would have made her death later in the series (that we already have read of course) that much more important, but it turns out that she is just as much of a mindless drone newborn as all the rest of the coven that she endlessly complains about! Nothing, I felt nothing for this girl. Fuck her. Deigo and Fred, who the hell cares about them? Secret ninja BFFs? Rock kissing? Powers of repulsion?
Just avoid it, that's the best advice I can give. Or earn me some money and buy it:
The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner: An Eclipse Novella
Stephenie Meyer
Published June 5th, 2010, by Little Brown and Company
178 Pages
Sunday, January 22, 2017
Linger (The Wolves of Mercy Falls #2)
You can go and read my review for the first book in this series "Shiver", I feel the same way about shitty part two here. Also, I have 3 words for you...Break my Face
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Also, "boyfruits". Really?
You can get your own boyfruits here:
Linger
Maggie Stiefvater
Published July 13th, 2010, by Scholastic Press
360 Pages
Saturday, January 21, 2017
The Ocean at the End of the Lane
"A novel about the truths- some wonderful, some terrible- that children know and adults do not."
-Time Magazine
I've seen a lot of mixed reviews about this book, and I'll be honest, I've only barely dipped my -gorgeously amazing- toe into Gaiman's work, and found him a wee bit dull previously. Except while reading Anansi Boy's, which I found ridonkulously dull. So I wasn't expecting much walking into this little gem.
That's right Sam, no more Anansi Boys
Well, I shit you not, I was pleasantly surprised! So much of this book is nostalgia. So much childhood. Although I was never a little boy. Or British...whatevs. Don't judge. The story was not at all what I was expecting, ...though I couldn't tell you exactly what that was. Although the story begins with our main character as a boring ass middle aged man, the majority of the story is a memory from when he was a 7-year-old boy. The boy, whose name we never actually learn, meets up with a slightly older, slightly odder, girl who lives at the end of the Lane, Lettie.
Turns out that Lettie, and her mother, and grandmother, are some sort of witches. Old world witches. Witches from across the ocean. The ocean at the end of the lane...it all comes together! No, that has nothing to do with anything. What the fuck am I talking about?
Anywhoo...as always, I'm not going to tell you everything that happens, but here's a bit of a taste:
floating rag monsters, a woman named Ursula, monoxide poisoning, crazy shadow birds, cats everywhere, fairy circles, awesome ending. This is a great read for one of those days where you have dick-all to do, and you just want to relax, and you can read this amazing little shit in one sitting! This is probably the best book to use as an introduction to Gaiman's work for somebody who wouldn't generally read his type of fiction because it is such and easy and engaging read. So read it, stupid! 4 Fucks!
The Ocean at the End of the Lane
Neil Gaiman
Published June 18th, 2013 by William Morrow Books
178 Pages
Friday, January 20, 2017
Book Hangover
Been there, done that. You? Comment!
(How fucking uncomfortable does her fucking chair look? Who would sit on that thing to mow down a book? In a fucking Wendy dress too! Nice slippers, bitch.)
Go Ask Alice
Have you ever considered becoming a drug addict for shits and giggles, but you first wanted to read an honest, true to life, in no way complete bullshit recount of what your life will become?
This book is just bad, bad, bad!
Go Ask Alice
Beatrice Sparks
Published 1971 by Simon Pulse
213 Pages
This book is just bad, bad, bad!
"For thirty-five years, the acclaimed, bestselling first-person account of a teenage girl's harrowing decent into the nightmarish world of drugs has left an indelible mark on generations of teen readers. As powerful -- and as timely -- today as ever, Go Ask Alice remains the definitive book on the horrors of addiction."
No. Just no. If you'd like to read this, do it solely for the camp value. Please don't be one of those idiots who actually believes this is a real account of someone's life. If you are intelligent enough to read a book, you should be intelligent enough to know this is complete and utter dogshit.
So bad...so fucking bad.
Go Ask Alice
Beatrice Sparks
Published 1971 by Simon Pulse
213 Pages
Thursday, January 19, 2017
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, The Original Screenplay
I'll start off by admitting that I am a complete Potter-head.
I'll also mention that I am surprised that this is my first Potter book to review. Let's fucking go!
This is Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, The Original Screenplay, not Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, the Hogwarts Textbook, which I will review later. Also, SCREENPLAY assholes! That means it's written as a play, so if you are one of those morons who can't read a play then this isn't for you.
Beasts (as I shall now be calling it because I am not writing out that long ass title a million bloody fucking times), follows the awkward future author (of the long ass titled book above) Newt Scamander as he visits New York City in order to illegally purchase a beast (Appaloosa Puffskein to be exact) from a breeder. Newt is carrying with him a case, a case full of Fan-fucking-tastic Beasts, and can ou even believe it, they get out! Whaaaat!
Yup, that's how it begins. Also, that's all I'm telling you! Go read the book, or see the movie if you haven't already (it's good too).
Alright, as I mentioned, hardcore Potter fan here. How excited was I to read not only one but two new books within a year, even if they were both "plays" and not fully books? Now, if you were asking me prior to reading them which one I thought I was going to prefer I would have 100% guessed The Cursed Child. Can you guess with this is going? Yeah, motherfuckers, I liked Beasts better! I feel that Beasts succeeded where Child failed for a few reasons:
1. It is damn fun!-It feels like Jo's writing, which Cursed Child did not, and it doesn't take itself too seriously. Plus it's a nerdy Hufflepuff chasing crazy ass magical beasts around NYC. Cool beans y'all!
2. It stands on its own- sure, it's Potterverse, but is it really? It happened before Potter. You can enjoy this without needing to know anything about the HP series. Though you should know everything about the HP series because it's awesome.
3. Cool New Villian-Or is it villains? Read the damn book!
4. Cool New Good Guys- Newt took a bit of time to grow on me, but he got there. Besides, I can't help respect a dude out to help save animals. Also, possible Aspergers, or is he just awkward? Jacob was fun, he's who we'd be if we were in his place. You can't help but smile at Queenies antics, and Tina...well, Tina was there too.
5. Fantastic Beasts- Beasts! Hell Yeah! Did I mention he keeps them in his case? That he walks around with? And they are hella cool? Also, one is a Demiguise, and if you are a Potter fan you should already know what that is!
While I seriously hope that Cursed Child isn't the last we get of Harry, if it is I am happy to at least have Newt to fall back on now. I understand the plan is for 5 movies? So 5 screenplays? I can only hope so.
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, The Original Screenplay
J.K. Rowling
Published November 18th, 2016, by Arthur A. Levine Books
293 Pages
I'll also mention that I am surprised that this is my first Potter book to review. Let's fucking go!
This is Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, The Original Screenplay, not Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, the Hogwarts Textbook, which I will review later. Also, SCREENPLAY assholes! That means it's written as a play, so if you are one of those morons who can't read a play then this isn't for you.
Beasts (as I shall now be calling it because I am not writing out that long ass title a million bloody fucking times), follows the awkward future author (of the long ass titled book above) Newt Scamander as he visits New York City in order to illegally purchase a beast (Appaloosa Puffskein to be exact) from a breeder. Newt is carrying with him a case, a case full of Fan-fucking-tastic Beasts, and can ou even believe it, they get out! Whaaaat!
Yup, that's how it begins. Also, that's all I'm telling you! Go read the book, or see the movie if you haven't already (it's good too).
Alright, as I mentioned, hardcore Potter fan here. How excited was I to read not only one but two new books within a year, even if they were both "plays" and not fully books? Now, if you were asking me prior to reading them which one I thought I was going to prefer I would have 100% guessed The Cursed Child. Can you guess with this is going? Yeah, motherfuckers, I liked Beasts better! I feel that Beasts succeeded where Child failed for a few reasons:
1. It is damn fun!-It feels like Jo's writing, which Cursed Child did not, and it doesn't take itself too seriously. Plus it's a nerdy Hufflepuff chasing crazy ass magical beasts around NYC. Cool beans y'all!
2. It stands on its own- sure, it's Potterverse, but is it really? It happened before Potter. You can enjoy this without needing to know anything about the HP series. Though you should know everything about the HP series because it's awesome.
3. Cool New Villian-Or is it villains? Read the damn book!
4. Cool New Good Guys- Newt took a bit of time to grow on me, but he got there. Besides, I can't help respect a dude out to help save animals. Also, possible Aspergers, or is he just awkward? Jacob was fun, he's who we'd be if we were in his place. You can't help but smile at Queenies antics, and Tina...well, Tina was there too.
While I seriously hope that Cursed Child isn't the last we get of Harry, if it is I am happy to at least have Newt to fall back on now. I understand the plan is for 5 movies? So 5 screenplays? I can only hope so.
The book itself is a work of art. Beautifully designed with gorgeous little illustrations. Well worth having in any collection, especially for a fan of fiction, magic, and Potter.
Accio Beasts here!
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, The Original Screenplay
J.K. Rowling
Published November 18th, 2016, by Arthur A. Levine Books
293 Pages
Monday, January 16, 2017
Shiver (The Wolves of Mercy Falls #1)
See Stephenie Meyer, this is what you did! You've opened the door for all sorts of shitty supernatural love stories that are somehow all the exact same, and yet each one worse than the other. How does that even work?
Maggie Steifwhatever, I hate you.
I thought this shit was pretty gawd damn terrible. I picked it up, and I liked the cover, and I thought "I'll give it a chance, how bad can it be?" Really fucking bad, that's how bad.
The story revolves around Grace, a plain ass loser girl who sits around watching wolves who occasionally wander into her yard, and Sam, who happens to be one of those shitty wolves, at least during the winter. And now, duh duh duh...winter is coming! But this isn't that book, and Sam may stay wolfed out forever. Who fucking cares?
Grace is a selfish, bland and "stoic" character. Sam is super exciting. Like, cream of wheat for breakfast exciting! Fucking woot! Jack is a stereotypical jock, his sister a "mean girl"...it was so predictable and dull. The romance was childish as well. Tee Hee, boys have penises! Tee Hee!
This book is definitely meant for a young audience, and where other YA books can be enjoyable for older readers, this one simply was not. Not at all. No. Don't.
Also, it is incredibly hard to read this and not have your mind flutter over to the Twilight comparisons. Sam is like a wolfy Edward Cullen. It's like the author wanted wolves over vampires, but then neutered said wolves. At least Meyer got it semi-right with her wolves, regardless of her lack of talent elsewhere. Grace makes Bella seem complex and likable. I fucking hated Bella.
Er, I mean...I loved this book. Buy it here!..(Don't)
Or the whole mother-fookin' trilogy here:
Shiver (The Wolves of Mercy Falls #1)
Maggie Stiefvater
Published Aug 1st, 2009 by Scholastic Press
390 Pages
Maggie Steifwhatever, I hate you.
I thought this shit was pretty gawd damn terrible. I picked it up, and I liked the cover, and I thought "I'll give it a chance, how bad can it be?" Really fucking bad, that's how bad.
The story revolves around Grace, a plain ass loser girl who sits around watching wolves who occasionally wander into her yard, and Sam, who happens to be one of those shitty wolves, at least during the winter. And now, duh duh duh...winter is coming! But this isn't that book, and Sam may stay wolfed out forever. Who fucking cares?
Grace is a selfish, bland and "stoic" character. Sam is super exciting. Like, cream of wheat for breakfast exciting! Fucking woot! Jack is a stereotypical jock, his sister a "mean girl"...it was so predictable and dull. The romance was childish as well. Tee Hee, boys have penises! Tee Hee!
This book is definitely meant for a young audience, and where other YA books can be enjoyable for older readers, this one simply was not. Not at all. No. Don't.
Also, it is incredibly hard to read this and not have your mind flutter over to the Twilight comparisons. Sam is like a wolfy Edward Cullen. It's like the author wanted wolves over vampires, but then neutered said wolves. At least Meyer got it semi-right with her wolves, regardless of her lack of talent elsewhere. Grace makes Bella seem complex and likable. I fucking hated Bella.
Er, I mean...I loved this book. Buy it here!..(Don't)
Or the whole mother-fookin' trilogy here:
Shiver (The Wolves of Mercy Falls #1)
Maggie Stiefvater
Published Aug 1st, 2009 by Scholastic Press
390 Pages
Teen Star Year Book (1986)
This book, like no other, has provided me with the most fucking awesome educational read I have ever experienced. I have tirelessly searched for a tome with such a tremendous voice of wisdom; having now found this book I can give up my epic journey. Yes, the book of which I speak is Grace Catalano's Teen Star Yearbook!
In this fan-fucking-tastic book, we have 3 sections, Rock Stars, Television Stars and Movie Stars. I was 6 the year this was published and the majority of the "Rock Stars" are a big fucking question mark for me. The TV and Movie Stars are a little more familiar, but if you weren't alive during the 80's this probably isn't the book for you. Unless you really live retro shit.
This book is a bloody rarity, so I will thoughtfully share some of the finer tidbits contained within for you unfortunate sucka ass suckas who will never be blessed enough to read it for yourselves. Here we go:
ALF
Sign:"On Melmac, we have two signs, Sagittarius and non-Sagittarius. I'm Sagittarius."
Scott Baio
Hobby: He's collected pigeons since his days in Brooklyn
Nancy McKeon
Nickname: Faucet Face because she cries easily
and my absolute favorite
Malcolm Jamal Warner
Fantasy: To ride a flying unicorn into the future
But in all seriousness, I have no idea where this book came from or how I got it. I was pulling through some old boxes of books to give away and there it was, so I read it and had a good laugh. So many of these "Stars" are now black holes. Ha! See what I did there? Fucking amazing.
However, every once in a while I'd turn the page and see someone I recognize, like page 21, Johnny Depp; or page 65, Tom Cruise; or page 141, Madonna! Ooh! Aah! Amazingly enough, you can still buy this classic masterpiece, and buy it you should! In these trying modern days filled with assholes like Justin Beiber, One Direction and..er...Taylor Swift (I guess?), it's nice to open a book and see the plain ass faces of Nancy McKeon, Justine Bateman, and Mackenzie Astin. 3 out of 5 Retro Fucks Given.
Get you own flying unicorn here:
Teen Star Yearbook
Grace Catalano
Published by Paperjacks
In this fan-fucking-tastic book, we have 3 sections, Rock Stars, Television Stars and Movie Stars. I was 6 the year this was published and the majority of the "Rock Stars" are a big fucking question mark for me. The TV and Movie Stars are a little more familiar, but if you weren't alive during the 80's this probably isn't the book for you. Unless you really live retro shit.
This book is a bloody rarity, so I will thoughtfully share some of the finer tidbits contained within for you unfortunate sucka ass suckas who will never be blessed enough to read it for yourselves. Here we go:
I eat cats and am obsolete!
ALF
Sign:"On Melmac, we have two signs, Sagittarius and non-Sagittarius. I'm Sagittarius."
Scott Baio
Hobby: He's collected pigeons since his days in Brooklyn
Nancy McKeon
Nickname: Faucet Face because she cries easily
and my absolute favorite
Malcolm Jamal Warner
Fantasy: To ride a flying unicorn into the future
But in all seriousness, I have no idea where this book came from or how I got it. I was pulling through some old boxes of books to give away and there it was, so I read it and had a good laugh. So many of these "Stars" are now black holes. Ha! See what I did there? Fucking amazing.
However, every once in a while I'd turn the page and see someone I recognize, like page 21, Johnny Depp; or page 65, Tom Cruise; or page 141, Madonna! Ooh! Aah! Amazingly enough, you can still buy this classic masterpiece, and buy it you should! In these trying modern days filled with assholes like Justin Beiber, One Direction and..er...Taylor Swift (I guess?), it's nice to open a book and see the plain ass faces of Nancy McKeon, Justine Bateman, and Mackenzie Astin. 3 out of 5 Retro Fucks Given.
Get you own flying unicorn here:
Teen Star Yearbook
Grace Catalano
Published by Paperjacks
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Book Lovers, y'know this is you...
Friday, January 13, 2017
Puff the Magic Dragon
Puff the Mother-fucking Magic Dragon! That's right bitches, time to delve into some children's fiction!
Ok, so for all of you who have been hiding under a rock since 1962, let me break down this story for you: Puff is this bitchin' magic dragon, who lives by the kick-ass sea. He has this "friend" Jackie Paper, who brings him fancy stuff. Some dragons hoard gold, some hoard magic dragon eggs...Puff is the kind of dragon who hoards shit like strings and sealing wax. So he's a little slow, shut the fuck up. Like you could ever be a dragon...
Yeah, so Puff and Jackie like to take mystical sailing trips, visit kings and princes, and take on the pussiest pirates (seriously, roaring "Puff!", who the hell would that scare?). They have good times, they have a real connection, nothing is going to tear these two apart. Brothers from another mother.
Then you turn the damn page. Oh, that's right, dragons live forever...but not so little boys. Gawd, here comes the water works. That's right, Puff gets dumped by his good friend Jackass, I mean Jackie. Puberty hits and suddenly he has no time for magic dragons. No, it's all peach fuzz, tits, and masturbation for our little Jackie. And Puff, well he just sadly slips into his cave. To die, I assume. Fuck.
The book itself is a beauty, celebrating 50 years of Puff. I personally have the board book, but I also have a one-year-old son. There is a larger, regular version too. My son loves it, and we read the shit outta this book almost every night. Did I say read? I mean sing. If you know the song you can't help but sing it. I dare you to try! Also, deep down I am a total wuss, and I get to "A dragon lives forever..." and I'm done. My son gets to listen to me sob my way through the rest of this song. I'm a shitty singer, to begin with. I just can't handle it, it's too sad for me. Oh God, my son is getting so old...
Oh, and for everyone out there who thinks this song is about weed I just have one thing to say: shut the fuck up you assholes. This song is about the loss of childhood innocence, not about mother fucking weed. This isn't some Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds shit here.
I have two issues with this book, though:
1. I hate the changed line "A dragon lives forever, but not so little girls and boys". It hurts the rhythm, and I thinks it's unnecessary. When we read it, we only use the original lyrics. My kiddo is a boy, so it works for me. If I were reading it to a girl I could always change it to "girl" if I needed to. But I like the original version best.
2. My other issue is adding Jackie's daughter to the end. Sure, the little bitch is only in the illustrations, not actually mentioned in the writing. The song has a sad ending, and as I mentioned before, I prefer the original. Although, the look of happiness on Puffs face when he sees her...FUCK! Now I'm tearing up again! It's a damn children's book!
5 out of 5 Magical Fucks given!
Get you own magic dragon here:
Puff the Magic Dragon
Leonard Lipton and Peter Yarrow
Published August 1st, 2007 by Sterling Children's Books
24 pages
Ok, so for all of you who have been hiding under a rock since 1962, let me break down this story for you: Puff is this bitchin' magic dragon, who lives by the kick-ass sea. He has this "friend" Jackie Paper, who brings him fancy stuff. Some dragons hoard gold, some hoard magic dragon eggs...Puff is the kind of dragon who hoards shit like strings and sealing wax. So he's a little slow, shut the fuck up. Like you could ever be a dragon...
Yeah, so Puff and Jackie like to take mystical sailing trips, visit kings and princes, and take on the pussiest pirates (seriously, roaring "Puff!", who the hell would that scare?). They have good times, they have a real connection, nothing is going to tear these two apart. Brothers from another mother.
Then you turn the damn page. Oh, that's right, dragons live forever...but not so little boys. Gawd, here comes the water works. That's right, Puff gets dumped by his good friend Jackass, I mean Jackie. Puberty hits and suddenly he has no time for magic dragons. No, it's all peach fuzz, tits, and masturbation for our little Jackie. And Puff, well he just sadly slips into his cave. To die, I assume. Fuck.
The book itself is a beauty, celebrating 50 years of Puff. I personally have the board book, but I also have a one-year-old son. There is a larger, regular version too. My son loves it, and we read the shit outta this book almost every night. Did I say read? I mean sing. If you know the song you can't help but sing it. I dare you to try! Also, deep down I am a total wuss, and I get to "A dragon lives forever..." and I'm done. My son gets to listen to me sob my way through the rest of this song. I'm a shitty singer, to begin with. I just can't handle it, it's too sad for me. Oh God, my son is getting so old...
Oh, and for everyone out there who thinks this song is about weed I just have one thing to say: shut the fuck up you assholes. This song is about the loss of childhood innocence, not about mother fucking weed. This isn't some Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds shit here.
I have two issues with this book, though:
1. I hate the changed line "A dragon lives forever, but not so little girls and boys". It hurts the rhythm, and I thinks it's unnecessary. When we read it, we only use the original lyrics. My kiddo is a boy, so it works for me. If I were reading it to a girl I could always change it to "girl" if I needed to. But I like the original version best.
2. My other issue is adding Jackie's daughter to the end. Sure, the little bitch is only in the illustrations, not actually mentioned in the writing. The song has a sad ending, and as I mentioned before, I prefer the original. Although, the look of happiness on Puffs face when he sees her...FUCK! Now I'm tearing up again! It's a damn children's book!
See? Look how damn happy he is! How can I begrudge him his stupid little friend?
5 out of 5 Magical Fucks given!
Get you own magic dragon here:
Puff the Magic Dragon
Leonard Lipton and Peter Yarrow
Published August 1st, 2007 by Sterling Children's Books
24 pages
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
5 Very Good Reasons to Punch a Dolphin in the Mouth and Other Useful Guides
Looking for a funny, easy read? A gift for that zany friend? A good book to keep in the bathroom for when your guests need to take 20 a minute long shit and have forgotten their phones? Look no further stupid, I have found the perfect book for you!
5 Very Good Reasons blah blah blah is a collection of comics by The Oatmeal. They are wacky, quirky, and creative. They sometimes tend to be bloody, gruesome, and scatological. Also informative as all hell. Did you know that pigs have orgasms that last 30 fucking minutes?!? Do you need to learn how to use a semi-colon? Have any interest in the life cycle of a tapeworm? Hells ya you do! What more do you need me to tell you? Damn hilarious. Comics. Buy it!
5 Very Good Reasons to Punch a Dolphin in the Mouth
The Oatmeal (Matthew Inman)
Published March 1st, 2011, by Andrews McMeel Publishing
160 Pages
5 Very Good Reasons blah blah blah is a collection of comics by The Oatmeal. They are wacky, quirky, and creative. They sometimes tend to be bloody, gruesome, and scatological. Also informative as all hell. Did you know that pigs have orgasms that last 30 fucking minutes?!? Do you need to learn how to use a semi-colon? Have any interest in the life cycle of a tapeworm? Hells ya you do! What more do you need me to tell you? Damn hilarious. Comics. Buy it!
5 Very Good Reasons to Punch a Dolphin in the Mouth
The Oatmeal (Matthew Inman)
Published March 1st, 2011, by Andrews McMeel Publishing
160 Pages
Monday, January 9, 2017
Miss Piggy's Guide to Life
Who better to write a guide to life than this fine swine?
Miss Piggy is one glamourous bitch. with an amaze-balls wardrobe and a personal stylist that only a movie star could afford. If you only read one book in your life, make sure it's this one...and take the damn advice. Are you doing better in life than this damn piece of felt with a man's hand up her ass? I didn't think so.
This guide covers such topics as:
Beauty: "In a word, beauty is being yourself. (After all, if people really could be someone else, everywhere you looked there would be millions of Moi!)
Dieting: "Do not weigh yourself constantly. Every time you stand on the scales, it stretches the little springs and wing nuts inside and slowly presses them flat- the result, even with no weight gain whatsoever, is that the scale makes you appear to weigh a little more each time.
Deck 'Em or Decorum: "At a party, someone makes a play for your frog. You-
a. Inform her politely that he is "spoken for."
b. Give her a taste of handburger. "
There is also a section where Miss Piggy sagely answers questions from the "public". The asparagus actually made me laugh out loud, and that doesn't happen often to this jaded bitch.
Also, can we talk about the photos in this fucker? Gorgeous. This damn pig is too pretty, and the pictures reflect it. Now, this is 80's pork, so the styles are a bit...old? tackily awesome? This pigs designer did an awesome job dressing her in clothes so perfectly real, and correctly to scale. Her hair is flawless as well. Bitch.
This book was published in 1981, so this is some original ass Miss Piggy. (Miss Piggy was created for the Muppet Show which began airing in 1976, she was originally just a background character, if you can believe that shit!) This book may be old, but if you are a muppet fan it is an essential book for your collection. I got my copy from a thrift shop. It smells of mold and cat piss. You can get yours here:
I will close this review with my favorite quote from this book, a piece of advice I wholeheartedly believe: "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye." Ya damn right Piggy, ya damn right!
5 out of 5 Fucks Given
Miss Piggy's Guide to Life
Henry N. Beard, Henson Associates
Published December 31st, 1981, by Muppet Press
113 pages
Miss Piggy is one glamourous bitch. with an amaze-balls wardrobe and a personal stylist that only a movie star could afford. If you only read one book in your life, make sure it's this one...and take the damn advice. Are you doing better in life than this damn piece of felt with a man's hand up her ass? I didn't think so.
This guide covers such topics as:
Beauty: "In a word, beauty is being yourself. (After all, if people really could be someone else, everywhere you looked there would be millions of Moi!)
Dieting: "Do not weigh yourself constantly. Every time you stand on the scales, it stretches the little springs and wing nuts inside and slowly presses them flat- the result, even with no weight gain whatsoever, is that the scale makes you appear to weigh a little more each time.
Deck 'Em or Decorum: "At a party, someone makes a play for your frog. You-
a. Inform her politely that he is "spoken for."
b. Give her a taste of handburger. "
There is also a section where Miss Piggy sagely answers questions from the "public". The asparagus actually made me laugh out loud, and that doesn't happen often to this jaded bitch.
Also, can we talk about the photos in this fucker? Gorgeous. This damn pig is too pretty, and the pictures reflect it. Now, this is 80's pork, so the styles are a bit...old? tackily awesome? This pigs designer did an awesome job dressing her in clothes so perfectly real, and correctly to scale. Her hair is flawless as well. Bitch.
This book was published in 1981, so this is some original ass Miss Piggy. (Miss Piggy was created for the Muppet Show which began airing in 1976, she was originally just a background character, if you can believe that shit!) This book may be old, but if you are a muppet fan it is an essential book for your collection. I got my copy from a thrift shop. It smells of mold and cat piss. You can get yours here:
I will close this review with my favorite quote from this book, a piece of advice I wholeheartedly believe: "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye." Ya damn right Piggy, ya damn right!
5 out of 5 Fucks Given
Miss Piggy's Guide to Life
Henry N. Beard, Henson Associates
Published December 31st, 1981, by Muppet Press
113 pages
Saturday, January 7, 2017
The Peach Keeper
I'll start by saying that this book has flaws, but fuck it, it was one of the best books I read in 2016.
The stupidly titled "The Peach Keeper" centers around two former high school classmates, Willa and Paxton, and their respective grandmothers Agatha and Georgie. Willa is a reformed bad girl, living a boring life free of any shenanigans or interest. Also, she owns a camping supply store. Snooze. Paxton is the rich society girl with the heart of gold who can't stand disappointing her friends or family. Also, she has a big ass.
Paxton is the head of a women's auxiliary, and for their big annual gala Paxton is rebuilding the old Blue Ridge Madam, a grand home once owned by Willa's family but currently abandoned and derelict. During the renovations, Paxton's twin brother Colin uproots the lone peach tree on the property, and dun dun dun, skeleton! But who the hell is this fucker? Paxton and Willa, lesbian detectives, begin the search for the answer!
These smart cookies realize that maybe, just maybe the senior shits they call Grandmothers might know what happened since one of them lived there at the time of the murder and the other was her BFF at the time (Best Fuckin' Friend). Georgie is senile as fuck, so she's useless. Agatha, a crusty old bitch, gives the girls a straight up learning about the past.
Turns out the Skeleton belongs to a former traveling salesman, magician, and rapist Tucker Devlin. Oops, spoiler alert! Tucker comes into town, sweeps the ladies off their feet, rapes and impregnates one of them, and then bam! Murdered! Also, his family owned a peach orchard. Also, he smelled like peaches. Also, he's the titular "Peach Keeper". But just who murdered him? Read the damn book yourself, asshole. I'm not doing all the work for you.
This book is a quick read, a read in one sitting type of story. Sure, it's not going to be the best book you've ever read or a book that changes your whole life, but shut the fuck up. Sometimes book are just there to be enjoyed! Fuck! And I did enjoy it.
This is the first book that I've read by Sarah Addison Allen, and I'll probably go back for more. I like the everyday magic that this bitch writes. Fun characters, cool-ass location, ghosts...yup. Chick Lit no doubt, but I enjoyed it. 4 out of 5 Fucks Given.
I won't say there weren't items in this little treasure that annoyed me. The biggest was Sebastian. Don't make your super gay character magically turn straight just to get your happy ending. Fuck off Paxton, you love a gay dude. Also, as I've mentioned before, I hate the title. What the hell is a "Peach Keeper" anyway? You can keep books or bees or graves, but how the fuck do you keep peaches? Have you ever kept a peach for more than a week? Smooshy brown slop covered in fruit flies, that's what you get if you keep peaches. Pisses me off....
Buy The Peach Keeper here, keep some damn peaches
The Peach Keeper
Sarah Addison Allen
Published March 22, 2011, by Bantam
273 Pages
The stupidly titled "The Peach Keeper" centers around two former high school classmates, Willa and Paxton, and their respective grandmothers Agatha and Georgie. Willa is a reformed bad girl, living a boring life free of any shenanigans or interest. Also, she owns a camping supply store. Snooze. Paxton is the rich society girl with the heart of gold who can't stand disappointing her friends or family. Also, she has a big ass.
Paxton is the head of a women's auxiliary, and for their big annual gala Paxton is rebuilding the old Blue Ridge Madam, a grand home once owned by Willa's family but currently abandoned and derelict. During the renovations, Paxton's twin brother Colin uproots the lone peach tree on the property, and dun dun dun, skeleton! But who the hell is this fucker? Paxton and Willa, lesbian detectives, begin the search for the answer!
These smart cookies realize that maybe, just maybe the senior shits they call Grandmothers might know what happened since one of them lived there at the time of the murder and the other was her BFF at the time (Best Fuckin' Friend). Georgie is senile as fuck, so she's useless. Agatha, a crusty old bitch, gives the girls a straight up learning about the past.
Turns out the Skeleton belongs to a former traveling salesman, magician, and rapist Tucker Devlin. Oops, spoiler alert! Tucker comes into town, sweeps the ladies off their feet, rapes and impregnates one of them, and then bam! Murdered! Also, his family owned a peach orchard. Also, he smelled like peaches. Also, he's the titular "Peach Keeper". But just who murdered him? Read the damn book yourself, asshole. I'm not doing all the work for you.
This book is a quick read, a read in one sitting type of story. Sure, it's not going to be the best book you've ever read or a book that changes your whole life, but shut the fuck up. Sometimes book are just there to be enjoyed! Fuck! And I did enjoy it.
This is the first book that I've read by Sarah Addison Allen, and I'll probably go back for more. I like the everyday magic that this bitch writes. Fun characters, cool-ass location, ghosts...yup. Chick Lit no doubt, but I enjoyed it. 4 out of 5 Fucks Given.
I won't say there weren't items in this little treasure that annoyed me. The biggest was Sebastian. Don't make your super gay character magically turn straight just to get your happy ending. Fuck off Paxton, you love a gay dude. Also, as I've mentioned before, I hate the title. What the hell is a "Peach Keeper" anyway? You can keep books or bees or graves, but how the fuck do you keep peaches? Have you ever kept a peach for more than a week? Smooshy brown slop covered in fruit flies, that's what you get if you keep peaches. Pisses me off....
Buy The Peach Keeper here, keep some damn peaches
The Peach Keeper
Sarah Addison Allen
Published March 22, 2011, by Bantam
273 Pages
Friday, January 6, 2017
The Haunted Vagina
Oh, how I wanted to love this fucker!
If awards were given out for the most outlandishly funny book titles, then Carlton Mellick the 3rd would be all time winner of the damn world. Not only has he penned The Haunted Vagina, but also such classics as The Menstruating Mall, Baby Jesus Butt Plug, and The Faggiest Vampire. Sounds wicked, no?
The premise of this master(piece of shit) is such: Steve has this girlfriend Stacy, whom he loves dearly. However, they seem to be suffering in the hot sexin' department because of the strange noises coming from Stacy's vagina, and they're not just vagina farts. Stacy claims her vagina is haunted, Steve realizes that his girlfriend is a fucktard and institutionalizes her. The End.
If only that was really the case.
No, one night while they are boning down a corpse climbs out of Stacy's woo-hoo. Naturally, the best thing to do in this situation is suit up and dive headfirst into that deep dank hole. So that's what Steve does. Once inside he meets a strange "girl" named Fig, who looks likes she's made of plastic ( the Real Doll Company is doing well, so this must be a thing men like...), has no nipples and a pair of horns on her head. Steve being Steve decides that the most logical thing to do boink this nipple-less freak too. But sooner than later Steve starts to miss Stacy and wants to return to the world outside of a smelly old va-jay-jay. Fig, however, wants Steve to stay. What will happen next? Buy the damn book and find out!
Everything I've just written sounds like awesome fun times, doesn't it? The problem is that this book is so damn boring! There is nothing even remotely funny about it once you pass the title, I couldn't give less of a fuck about any of the main characters, and the "love story" seemed really forced and tacked on. It's almost like Mellick didn't know how to finish but wanted to get it over with as fast as possible. Did I mention it's only 100 mind-numbingly dull pages?
Maybe it's just me, maybe this isn't my type of humor..? No, it can't be. I'm too fucking awesome. This book sucks. I'll pass on reading any more of Mellick's works in the future. Except maybe The Faggiest Vampire...with a title like that its got to be good!
2 out of 5 fucks were given for this book.
Get your own vagina here!
If awards were given out for the most outlandishly funny book titles, then Carlton Mellick the 3rd would be all time winner of the damn world. Not only has he penned The Haunted Vagina, but also such classics as The Menstruating Mall, Baby Jesus Butt Plug, and The Faggiest Vampire. Sounds wicked, no?
The premise of this master(piece of shit) is such: Steve has this girlfriend Stacy, whom he loves dearly. However, they seem to be suffering in the hot sexin' department because of the strange noises coming from Stacy's vagina, and they're not just vagina farts. Stacy claims her vagina is haunted, Steve realizes that his girlfriend is a fucktard and institutionalizes her. The End.
If only that was really the case.
No, one night while they are boning down a corpse climbs out of Stacy's woo-hoo. Naturally, the best thing to do in this situation is suit up and dive headfirst into that deep dank hole. So that's what Steve does. Once inside he meets a strange "girl" named Fig, who looks likes she's made of plastic ( the Real Doll Company is doing well, so this must be a thing men like...), has no nipples and a pair of horns on her head. Steve being Steve decides that the most logical thing to do boink this nipple-less freak too. But sooner than later Steve starts to miss Stacy and wants to return to the world outside of a smelly old va-jay-jay. Fig, however, wants Steve to stay. What will happen next? Buy the damn book and find out!
Everything I've just written sounds like awesome fun times, doesn't it? The problem is that this book is so damn boring! There is nothing even remotely funny about it once you pass the title, I couldn't give less of a fuck about any of the main characters, and the "love story" seemed really forced and tacked on. It's almost like Mellick didn't know how to finish but wanted to get it over with as fast as possible. Did I mention it's only 100 mind-numbingly dull pages?
Maybe it's just me, maybe this isn't my type of humor..? No, it can't be. I'm too fucking awesome. This book sucks. I'll pass on reading any more of Mellick's works in the future. Except maybe The Faggiest Vampire...with a title like that its got to be good!
2 out of 5 fucks were given for this book.
Get your own vagina here!
Go The Fuck To Sleep
What a perfect book for my first official review! A "children's book" with a big ol' Fuck right in the title. Alright, so it's not technically a children's book, and technically, technically, you shouldn't really read it to your child. But you will want to. You will be quoting this little gem to yourself, at 3 am, when your little shit is screaming and all you want to do is get yourself back to fucking bed.
This book is an anthem for exhausted parents everywhere. It is a quick 32 pages, with cutesy drawings of pain in the ass kids who refuse to rest their dopey little heads, and it is written to emulate those bedtime stories we read ad nauseam to our kids. You will laugh, you will cry, and you will sympathize with the author. Also, if you are not an actual, full-time parent, you might think you get it...but you bloody well don't!
As a side note, I should mention that I learned the hard way that this book is not an appropriate baby shower gift. Stuck up pregnant bitches...
Should you feel inclined here is Samuel L. Jackson's reading of the book. However, you should read the book yourself first, it's best in your own voice.
How many fucks do I give about this book? 5 out of 5 fucks are given! Buy it, read it! Now sluts!
The author (Adam Mansbach) has also released a second book "You have to Fucking Eat". I haven't read it yet. I would like a version of this book devoted to all the husbands out there called "Get the fuck off me, I'm trying to fucking sleep!".
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